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Who's Bill This Time

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. America, I know change is hard, but don't curl up into a ball, curl up with a Bill - Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Hello. Thank you, all.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you, Bill. We've got a great show for you today. We do. Later on, we are going to be joined by sportscaster and World Series announcer Joe Buck. He had some recent experience with really improbable victories. But first, many Americans have had a tough week, and they want some good news, and we have some. There is still a small but real chance that you might suddenly wake up.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But if you are awake, or if your dystopia nightmare has phone service, give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, welcome to WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

PATRICK TANGREDI: Hi.

SAGAL: Hi, who's this?

TANGREDI: My name is Patrick Tangredi. I'm calling from Portland, Ore.

SAGAL: Portland, Ore? We love Portland. I always ask the same question of people from Portland, I'll ask it of you. What hilariously stereotypical Portland hobby or career do you pursue?

TANGREDI: Well, I throw boomerangs.

SAGAL: There you go.

(APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)

AMY DICKINSON: That's - that's the best.

TANGREDI: Is that strange?

SAGAL: Not for Portland. That's why I asked you.

LUKE BURBANK: But are they artisanal, Patrick?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You know, in Portland, when you throw a boomerang, you let it go, man, because that's freedom.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Patrick, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's the host of the public radio variety show "Live Wire," which will be live right here in Chicago on Friday, December 2, at Lincoln Hall. It's Luke Burbank.

BURBANK: Hello, Patrick.

TANGREDI: Hello, Luke.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next is the author of the syndicated advice column "Ask Amy," Amy Dickinson.

DICKINSON: Hey, Patrick.

TANGREDI: Hello, Amy.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Finally, it's the comedian and actor whose new movie "Jimmy Vestvood: Amerikan Hero" is now available for download on iTunes, Amazon and all other outlets. It's Maz Jobrani.

MAZ JOBRANI: Hey. How you doing, man?

JOBRANI: Hi.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: So, Patrick, you're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize - scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell's voice on your home answering machine. Are you ready to play?

TANGREDI: I am. Thank you.

SAGAL: OK. Your first quote this week is from Urban Dictionary, that website with slang. It has a new phrase coined this week. It means to do something very reckless and crazy.

KURTIS: Dude, you're pulling an America.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That was inspired by whom winning the presidency?

TANGREDI: (Laughter) Donald Trump.

SAGAL: Yes, Donald Trump.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Oh, not a lot of Trump voters here. OK.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It has been a joke for a while that on our show the first answer is always Donald Trump, but we never thought it would be required by executive order.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Everybody was stunned by the election. We all knew that someday we were going to read the headline "Trump Beats Woman," but we didn't think it would be for this.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Whoa.

JOBRANI: Hey.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: There you go. Yeah. You can let your hair down with this. This is OK. This week...

BURBANK: We've got about 90 days to make these kinds of jokes.

SAGAL: Yeah, pretty much true.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Shocked. Everyone's shocked, right?

SAGAL: Everyone's shocked.

JOBRANI: Yeah. It's hard to say it, isn't it? It's really hard.

DICKINSON: It is so far.

JOBRANI: You know what it reminds me of? Remember when Fonzie in "Happy Days," he had a hard time saying I love you. He would go, I looloo (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: That's me with president and the word Trump. I'm like president trollholhol (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Harharharhar (ph). I can't do it.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURBANK: It's incredible to me how quickly - because I live in Washington state, which happened to vote for Hillary. It's incredible to me how quickly I became a state's rights and gun rights advocate.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURBANK: Like in the course of one night, as soon as I decided the federal government was out to get me, a lot of stuff made sense.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: There you go.

BURBANK: Like, about underground bunkers.

SAGAL: Yeah.

DICKINSON: Now you know how it feels, yeah.

BURBANK: Shelf-stable food, all of that stuff just totally...

JOBRANI: As an ethnic person, I've got to say...

DICKINSON: You are?

JOBRANI: Well, yeah, I mean.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Are you sure you want to admit that, Maz?

JOBRANI: I mean, you know, as I've said a few times, Mazzio (ph) Jobrani, it's Italian. And...

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: I feel like on the panel here, Maz is going...

JOBRANI: Oh, I'm going, yeah. This is my last show.

DICKINSON: ...I'm going.

SAGAL: Yeah.

DICKINSON: Luke, I think, is safe.

BURBANK: I'm actually vice president.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: So, I mean, truthfully this works out OK for me as a straight, white male.

DICKINSON: It works out for you.

BURBANK: Look, it's easy to criticize Donald Trump, which is part of why it's so fun. But I think he may be smarter than we give him credit for. Like, I - he may have already fixed illegal immigration in this country. Ask yourself, would you sneak into America right now?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, it is true.

(APPLAUSE)

DICKINSON: Well, wait - wait, wait, wait. So maybe they'll build the wall to keep us in?

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURBANK: Nobody - the wall door locks on the other side.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Nobody realized that.

JOBRANI: There's no door handle at the wall, yeah.

SAGAL: Here, Patrick - we haven't forgotten about you. Here's your next quote.

KURTIS: Internal service error. There is a problem with the resource you are looking for.

SAGAL: That was an error message in an overloaded website Tuesday night. It's a website that helps people in America do what?

TANGREDI: I don't know.

SAGAL: Well, a lot of people threatened to do this.

TANGREDI: Oh - oh, oh, oh - to get their passports - or go to Canada.

SAGAL: Yeah, to move to Canada, that's right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Sorry, server error. You can't go.

DICKINSON: They're going to build a wall too, probably.

SAGAL: So after the election, liberals and Democrats, of course, were despondent. So many of them went to the Canadian immigration website it crashed. But come on, guys, living in Trump's America will be great for you. Think of all the protest songs. And once the infrastructure collapses and we're growing our food in the ruins, everybody will be a locavore.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Where I live in Washington state - I live in the northwest corner of the state - and I could, from my house, von Trapps-style...

SAGAL: Yeah, escape over the Alps.

BURBANK: ...Just march across the hills into Canada, like at the end of "The Sound Of Music."

SAGAL: Yeah.

JOBRANI: You know, we fled Iran at the Iranian Revolution. And now if I flee here, I don't think any other country is going to want me 'cause I bring bad luck...

DICKINSON: You just...

SAGAL: Yeah. Maybe it's you, Maz...

DICKINSON: Yeah, it's you.

BURBANK: You're on the constant.

JOBRANI: I'm the constant.

SAGAL: On the morning of Election Day, everybody thought Hillary Clinton had this in the bag. The pundits had all said, they had all - were so sure that Donald Trump was the only candidate that Hillary Clinton could beat. And it turns out they were only off by one.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: However, I want you to know that Nate Silver has predicted the winner of this week's show. He says there's a 78 percent chance the winner will be Paula Poundstone.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here, Patrick, is your last quote.

KURTIS: (Imitating Russian accent) I wish you success in high office and responsibility of head of state.

SAGAL: That was a congratulatory message sent to Donald Trump by perhaps his most effective partner, who?

TANGREDI: (Laughter) Would that be Vladimir Putin?

SAGAL: It would be, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: That was the message of congratulations that Putin sent to Donald. He wrote it on the memo line of one of the regular checks.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: No. Actually, I jest Mr. Trump. Actually, Putin sent a telegram. He would've sent an email, but he knows how easily those are hacked.

DICKINSON: (Laughter) Oh, God.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Also, President Duterte, the famously lunatic, new populist leader of the Philippines, took a break from killing people. He sent his congratulations. He - this is the guy who recently called President Obama a, quote, "son of a whore," unquote. But he called Trump the son of a high-class escort, you know, one who talks to you, too, you know?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Also, celebrating this week - this is true - ISIS. They were partying like it's '99.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: They clearly don't know Trump's secret plan to defeat them, just like he doesn't.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Did you hear about the various, high-level military intelligence people who now have to turn over the national secrets and the nuclear codes...

SAGAL: Right.

BURBANK: ...To Trump. And just like the - what that feels like for them to give that information to that guy.

SAGAL: I just had a happy thought. For years now, for decades, as the security state has grown, we, American citizens, have not known the secret, covert stuff that our own government is up to. But Trump's going to blab.

BURBANK: Oh, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: That's true.

SAGAL: He cannot control himself. If they tell him, like, oh, yeah, we got this secret thing. And we're doing this, and we're, like, sending drones to monitor people. He's going to be like, hey, did you know we got drones, man?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: He's - it's going to be great. We're going to find out all this stuff.

BURBANK: Well, I don't feel good about his plan to change the nuclear codes to password one.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Hey, Bill, how did Patrick do on our quiz?

KURTIS: He got three right. So he's a winner.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Patrick. Thank you so much for playing.

(APPLAUSE)

TANGREDI: Thank you all for being in this week. Thank you.

SAGAL: If the boomerang comes back, let us know.

TANGREDI: I will.

(SOUNDBITE OF LEONARD COHEN SONG, "FIRST WE TAKE MANHATTAN") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.