BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Billy Jean is not your lover, but Billy Kurtis is.
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KURTIS: And here is your host, at the Providence Performing Arts Center in Providence, R.I., Peter Sagal.
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PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you everybody. Thank you Bill.
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SAGAL: Thank you so much. It's good to be here. We're making our Rhode Island debut. We've hit the the big time.
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SAGAL: Later on, in fact, we are going to be talking to her excellency, Gina Raimondo, the governor of Rhode Island.
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SAGAL: And our first question will be, really, you guys get a governor? That's so adorable.
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SAGAL: We don't think size matters when it comes to you so give us a call.
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SAGAL: The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME.
JOSH MARTIN: Hi. My name's Josh Martin. I'm from Little Rock, Ark.
SAGAL: Little Rock? Oh, yeah, famed in song and story. What do you do there, Josh?
MARTIN: Well, actually, I'm from Little Rock. I actually teach in Warren. I'm a high school band director.
SAGAL: A high school band director?
AMY DICKINSON: Yay.
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SAGAL: I usually make fun of people at this point. I will not 'cause high school band directors are the unsung heroes of America.
MARTIN: Thank you very much.
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SAGAL: Because I have to listen to a high school orchestra like, you know, once a semester. But you, sir, every day.
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SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Josh. Let me introduce you to our panel. First off, a former writer for "The Colbert Report" and "Late Night," now appearing on HBO's "Veep," it's Peter Grosz.
PETER GROSZ: Hello.
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MARTIN: Hello.
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SAGAL: Next, it's a woman behind the syndicated advice column Ask Amy. It's Amy Dickinson.
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DICKINSON: Hey.
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SAGAL: And the host of "Innovation Nation," Saturday mornings on CBS, and the host of the National Geography Bee, airing on Nat Geo on May 27, it's Mo Rocca.
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MO ROCCA: Hi Josh.
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SAGAL: Well, Josh, welcome to our show. You'll start us off, of course, with Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis right here is going to re-create for you three voices from the week's news. Your job - explain or identify two of them. Do that and you'll win our prize, the voice of Carl Kasell on your voicemail. Are you ready to do this?
MARTIN: I'll do my best.
SAGAL: All right.
MARTIN: With all the kids I got and the grades, I don't watch too much news, but I'll try.
SAGAL: All right. Generally, ignorance helps on this show.
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MARTIN: Oh, good, good.
SAGAL: Here is your first quote.
KURTIS: (Imitating voice) Just because Mommy and Daddy disagree bitterly on trade and retirement programs doesn't mean they don't love you very much.
SAGAL: That was Alex Burns, a reporter for The New York Times, summing up the message from the big summit meeting this week between whom?
MARTIN: Oh, wow. Would it be Donald Trump and - I don't know (laughter).
SAGAL: He's the speaker of the House.
MARTIN: Oh, my goodness. I feel like such a bad educator.
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SAGAL: I'm going to give it to you. It was - it's Donald Trump and Paul Ryan, are the people who met.
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MARTIN: Thank you.
SAGAL: There you go. There you go, right?
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SAGAL: It was a meeting of the squabbling father figures of the Republican Party - one, a young, handsome dad, like, you know, Mr. Brady. And the other, a cross between Grandpa Simpson and the flaming Hindenburg.
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GROSZ: I feel like it's going to be the big will-they-won't-they of the election season.
DICKINSON: Yeah.
GROSZ: It's very Sam and Diane, very Jim and Pam, you know...
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GROSZ: ...Of like - 'cause even after the meeting, Trump was like, I think it went great. And Ryan was like, I'm not ready to endorse him, still.
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SAGAL: Yes.
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DICKINSON: As Josh knows 'cause he's a high school teacher, it's coming up on prom season. I think what's going on here is that Paul Ryan is angling for a big prom-posal.
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SAGAL: Wait a minute - a prom-posal?
DICKINSON: It's when people ask other people to the prom, they make a big to-do about it...
SAGAL: Oh, I see.
DICKINSON: ...Like a big production.
GROSZ: It's like a flash mob meets, like, a regular awkward standing-by-the-locker will you go to the prom with me?
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GROSZ: I would love it if, like, at the convention, Trump gives a speech and then just stands up and holds a boombox over his head and playing "In Your Eyes." And then there's, like, a light that focuses on Paul Ryan's seat. And he looks around like me? Is it me? And then he gets on his zip line and goes down and they, like, hug. And, you know...
DICKINSON: Exactly.
GROSZ: ...They won't do anything sexual. They just need to endorse.
ROCCA: I think...
SAGAL: I endorse you. I endorse you, you crazy fool. Why is it raining all of a sudden?
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SAGAL: OK, Josh, here is your next quote.
KURTIS: "I think we may have been visited already."
SAGAL: Now, that was another presidential candidate trying to shore up support from the UFO community. Who was it?
MARTIN: On my goodness, was it Bernie Sanders?
SAGAL: No, believe it or not...
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KURTIS: Good guess.
SAGAL: This is - this is, like, the one strange idea he doesn't have.
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ROCCA: He's in the UFO.
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MARTIN: It's got to be Hillary then.
SAGAL: Yes indeed. It was Hillary Clinton.
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SAGAL: Yes, that's who it is.
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SAGAL: After months of failing to ignite any sort of passion among anybody, Hillary Clinton is finally generating excitement - and this is true - by standing up for UFO enthusiasts.
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SAGAL: Apparently, the former secretary of state is a believer in UFOs - or as she now calls them - and this is true - UAPs - unexplained aerial phenomenon. And she has promised that if elected president, she will finally release the X-Files. We'll know what happened at Roswell and Area 51 and in the lab where she was created.
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DICKINSON: Wait, but is there a constituency that she will not...
GROSZ: Pander to.
DICKINSON: ...Go after? It's like when she was first running for senator in New York, it was, like, Mets, Yankees, they're all awesome.
GROSZ: Yeah.
DICKINSON: You know, she just...
GROSZ: This is a bold stand for her. Like, if she can't even pick - like, just pick one of the teams - like, because you can say let's run the numbers and see who likes the Yankees more than the Mets. Like, you could run the numbers and, like, 95 percent of America would be, like, no, we're not cool with UFOs. She's actually picking something that nobody likes, which is very rare for her.
SAGAL: It is. And this is in fact a genuine...
GROSZ: She's super committed.
SAGAL: ...Interest of hers...
DICKINSON: Really?
GROSZ: ...That goes back decades...
DICKINSON: Wow.
GROSZ: Yeah, it's like one of her first actual, like, genuiney (ph) things and people are like ha ha, that's weird.
DICKINSON: Wow.
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DICKINSON: Wow.
ROCCA: Wait, does Mars - does Mars have a primary or a caucus?
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ROCCA: Because if it's a caucus - she loses all the caucuses.
GROSZ: No, Mars is red. She's going to lose it no matter what...
SAGAL: Yeah.
GROSZ: ...Anyway...
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GROSZ: ...In the general.
SAGAL: All right, here is your last quote.
KURTIS: "Ready to reach for an ice cold can of America?"
SAGAL: That was Fox News host Megyn Kelly talking about what beer that just changed its name to America?
MARTIN: Oh, my goodness. I don't know. I drank my fair share of beer in college.
SAGAL: It's the king of beers.
ROCCA: Do you have a Clydesdale in your marching band?
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MARTIN: That's good - not Bud Lime - Budweiser.
SAGAL: Budweiser, yes.
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SAGAL: That's the answer.
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SAGAL: Budweiser is going to be renamed America for most of the rest of the year. It makes sense because when you think of terrible tasting beer water, you think America.
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SAGAL: Now, Anheuser-Busch, the brewer, has a problem. Budweiser used to be the best-selling beer in America by a huge margin. But then about 15 years ago, Americans discovered actual beer.
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ROCCA: I prefer America Light as...
SAGAL: Yeah.
ROCCA: I just wanted to point that out.
SAGAL: Or as it's often called, Canada.
GROSZ: Yeah.
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SAGAL: Now, these days Budweiser is only bought by people trying to be hip and those who've been told it's a great way to keep slugs out of their garden.
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SAGAL: So as a marketing gimmick, why not change its name to America? That was the number two solution they came up with to help with sales after they rejected number one - make it taste good.
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ROCCA: I'm worried because I mean, like, a lot of people when I finish a Bud, I like to smash it against my forehead - crush it against my forehead. So is that going to be, like, flag burning now? It's going to be...
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ROCCA: ...Unpatriotic?
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ROCCA: I could be arrested for the way I drink my America.
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SAGAL: Bill, how did Josh do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Josh, John Philip Sousa couldn't have done any better. We're going to call you a winner.
MARTIN: Oh, thank you so much.
SAGAL: Thank you.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "DRUNK AMERICANS")
TOBY KEITH: (Singing) In these neon lights, we're all stars, we're all stripes. And we're all drunk Americans. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.