BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Hey there, ovaries.
FAITH SALIE: (Laughter).
KURTIS: How do you like your eggs? I'm your Bill-opian (ph) tube.
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: Bill Kurtis.
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KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill.
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SAGAL: Thank you, everybody, especially for the opportunity to follow that joke. We have a very prestigious show for you today. And I say that because our guest later on will be Christine Lagarde. She is the managing director of the International Monetary Fund. Now, the IMF, of course, coordinates with member countries to manage potential balance of payments problems and mitigate contagion during systemic crises. Our first question to her will be, what did I just say?
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SAGAL: So when you call us, use very small words. Speak slowly. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
BRIAN TRUMP: Hello. This is Brian Trump from Durham, N.C.
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SAGAL: Wait...
PAULA POUNDSTONE: Wow.
SAGAL: ...Wait, wait, wait.
SALIE: Whoa.
SAGAL: Brian what?
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TRUMP: Brian Trump.
SAGAL: Brian Trump. That is your name.
POUNDSTONE: Wow...
TRUMP: That is my name, yes.
SAGAL: OK. The first question is, any relation?
TRUMP: To who?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Sir, we're going to leave that there.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Brian, welcome...
SALIE: Well played.
SAGAL: ...To our show. Let me introduce you to our panel. First off, a contributor to "CBS Sunday Morning" and host of "Science Goes To The Movies" on PBS - it now has its own YouTube channel - it's Faith Salie.
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SALIE: Hello, Mr. Trump.
SAGAL: Next, a comedian who'll be appearing at Zanies in Chicago July 15 through the 17, it's Adam Burke.
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ADAM BURKE: Hello, Mr. Trump.
SAGAL: And, lastly, a comedian whose new podcast, "Nobody Listens To Paula Poundstone," debuts Monday the 16. Find it on Apple Podcast, Google Podcast and maximumfun.org - yup, it's Paula Poundstone.
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POUNDSTONE: There you go.
SAGAL: So, Brian, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to perform for you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize - any voice from our show that you might choose for your voicemail. You ready to play?
TRUMP: Yup. I sure am...
SAGAL: All right. Here's your first quote. It's from a boy in Thailand.
KURTIS: "Tell my brother to be ready to bring me fried chicken."
SAGAL: That's someone who will finally be getting his KFC bucket after being rescued from where just this week?
TRUMP: From some flooded caves in Thailand...
SAGAL: Yes, indeed, from the flooded cave.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Yes.
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SAGAL: It was the feel-good story we all needed to hear. Twelve boys part of a soccer team and their coach were rescued from deep inside a flooded cave in Thailand. People were so excited about this miraculous rescue, they totally forgot about the other team they were playing down there.
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SAGAL: So these kids - you follow this. Everybody did. They were more than a mile underground, and most of the passage out was flooded. It is a miracle they escaped. Maybe we all got it wrong, and the headline on the whole story should've been "Soccer Coach's Foolproof Murder Plan Fails."
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SALIE: It - I mean, you - of course, you wanted the boys to get out swiftly. But it was also - like you said, it was finally something to feel good about for the whole world to rally around. It's like, can't you just make this last one day longer?
SAGAL: Yeah, I know.
SALIE: Just like...
POUNDSTONE: Yeah. One of them could have run back in just for the rest of us...
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: You know...
BURKE: I forgot my keys. I'll be right back.
SALIE: It was the one - so I have really little kids. And I try not to let them know much that's going on in the news. But it was like the one time that I wanted to tell them what was going on. And I was making summer math word problems out of it. I was like, if four boys are out, how many are left?
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: And then, when all 12 got out, I was very happy because I was thinking that's some depressing math that could have happened...
SAGAL: Yeah, I know. Yeah...
POUNDSTONE: Yeah.
SAGAL: Do you know they all got out - of course, because it was so difficult to get them out through the flooded tunnel, they all had to come out one by one. And I just want to say to the young athlete who was picked last, I've been there, brother.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Well, in the middle of the rescue - I don't know if you guys saw this. But Elon Musk, our very own...
SALIE: Oh, yes.
SAGAL: ...Billionaire inventor, showed up. And he announced - he gets to Thailand and says, I am inventing a special kid-sized submarine that will be used to escort the children out. This is like Elon Musk getting onto the sinking Titanic...
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SAGAL: ...And saying to the passengers, I have a really great idea for a cool lifeboat. Anybody who wants to get on, just put down your deposit for the waiting list.
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: So - but he actually has the mini-sub as he called it made and leaves it there...
SAGAL: Just in case, in case they need it.
SALIE: Right. And I don't - I mean, I don't mean to sound sexist. But is this not the most male thing ever, assuming your special submarine needs to be inserted in this cave?
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: And then, when it's useless, you're like, well, I'll just leave it here just in case you need it.
SAGAL: Yeah.
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SAGAL: Brian, here is your next quote.
KURTIS: "What good is NATO?"
SAGAL: All right. That's a good question...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...Worthy of asking. But it's a little weird question when it is being asked by whom?
TRUMP: Donald Trump?
SAGAL: Yes. Donald Trump.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Thank you for making sure we understand which Trump we were talking about. I'm sure that's essential for you. Trump went to the NATO summit in Brussels with the enthusiasm of a dog going to the vet.
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SAGAL: They got him on the plane by lying and saying he was going to the park. And they convinced Melania to go along by saying they were taking Trump to get neutered.
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SAGAL: But Trump actually ended up having a great time. He made up a crisis, right? Like, they - and they're robbing the United States blind. He complained about it, and then he pretended he solved it. Now they're all going to give us money. And he declared victory, and he left. That's what he does. He solved the problem that he made. Honestly, if he ever gets impeached and removed from office, he will brag about being the guy who saved America from Donald Trump.
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SALIE: But he really went after Germany this time.
SAGAL: Yeah, well, this is the thing - and this may have been the single best moment of the summit. At this supposedly very anodyne breakfast, Trump starts going after Germany. He says Germany is, quote, "totally controlled by Russia." And then he said, isn't it great? And...
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SAGAL: While he was railing about that, a camera caught his chief of staff, John Kelly, at the end of the table sort of shaking his head and looking totally miserable. And when asked about that - and this is true - White House spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, quote, "he was displeased because he was expecting a full breakfast, and there were only pastries and cheese."
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SAGAL: And that was just Brussels. Then he went to the U.K. and started blowing everything up there.
SALIE: Wait, wait - blowing up like the big balloon of himself?
SAGAL: Well, yeah. He's...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: There's a big balloon of him in London. He doesn't want to go there. So they're keeping away from London. He's not popular there. Instead, he and Melania got to go visit the Queen at Windsor Castle for tea - or, as Trump calls it, gay coffee.
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BURKE: It is terrible timing - him showing up - because the England team had just been knocked out of the World Cup...
SAGAL: Yeah.
BURKE: ...And the last thing they want to do is be reminded of Russia.
SAGAL: Yeah, exactly.
BURKE: And then this (unintelligible) shows up.
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BURKE: I do think the balloon is a little mean because that's the lightest that he's ever been.
SAGAL: That's true.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right, Brian. Here is your last quote.
KURTIS: "I Don't Know Kavanaugh The Judge, But Kavanaugh The Carpool Dad Is One Great Guy."
SAGAL: That was the headline - really - in the Washington Post assuring us that one Brett Kavanaugh will be great at carpooling if he gets a job where?
TRUMP: On the Supreme Court?
SAGAL: Yes, indeed...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: ...On the Supreme Court. Very good, Brian.
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SAGAL: To replace the retiring Anthony Kennedy, Donald Trump picked Brett Kavanaugh, a highly respected conservative judge. Judge Kavanaugh got his start working for Ken Starr during the Clinton scandals of the '90s, which might explain why he refused to shake Donald Trump's hand. He knows where presidential hands have been.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Meanwhile, Kavanaugh's opinions seem almost made to appeal to Trump. He's opined that presidents should not be indicted while in office. And then there was his historic ruling in Tiny Hands v. Remote Control.
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: Wait - are we not even going to touch on this guy's $200,000...
SAGAL: Yes, it's really weird.
SALIE: ...Debt?
SAGAL: This is - we just found this out this week.
SALIE: He maxed out three credit cards to get Nationals - the baseball team...
SAGAL: Well, yeah, he...
SALIE: ...Tickets, right?
SAGAL: He apparently - we found out that he ran up as much - we don't know - as $200,000 in credit card debt. But it's weird because it's, like, this guy's going to be in the Supreme Court, and he's, like, a shmo. He's broke. He has bad credit.
BURKE: I like the idea of him scalping tickets to Supreme Court hearings.
SAGAL: Yeah.
BURKE: Like...
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Who needs two? Who needs two?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Brian do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Brian got a verdict of perfect.
SAGAL: Congratulations, Brian.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Brian, thank you so much for playing. Take care.
POUNDSTONE: Bye-bye.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.