BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. Get a look at my crack. I'm the Liberty Bill, Bill Kurtis.
(APPLAUSE)
KURTIS: And Here is your host at the Mann Center for the Performing Arts in Philadelphia, Pa., Peter Sagal.
(APPLAUSE)
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: It is great to be here in Philadelphia, especially right now, because this, of course, is the place where the Founding Fathers began our country conceived in liberty. And you walk these historic streets, and you have to wonder, did they realize that this great nation would last for centuries from July 4, 1776 until - let me check the president's Twitter feed...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Yeah, basically end of July at the latest.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Later on, we're going to be talking to Philadelphia Flyers legend goalie Bernie Parent. But you won't need...
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: ...Any protective gear when you call us. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
CARRIE WITT: Hi. This is Carrie Witt from Boise, Idaho.
SAGAL: Hey. How are things in Boise?
(APPLAUSE)
WITT: Hot.
SAGAL: It's hot? I thought it always stayed cool there. I'm wrong?
WITT: Oh, no. It's hot in Boise.
SAGAL: Putt in Boise...
WITT: I'm actually at a local library right now using their phone.
SAGAL: Oh, I see. That's nice.
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: And air conditioning.
SAGAL: And what do you do in Boise?
WITT: I'm a realtor here in Boise.
SAGAL: Yeah. How's the market for, like, survivalist compounds right now?
(LAUGHTER)
WITT: Very good here.
SAGAL: OK.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Carrie, let me introduce you to our panel this week here on the stage at the Mann Center. First off, the host of the public radio variety show Live Wire and the podcast Too Beautiful To Live - it's Luke Burbank.
(APPLAUSE)
LUKE BURBANK: Hey, Carrie. Carrie, so are you really in the public library in Boise using the phone?
WITT: I am in Garden City, officially. But yes, I am.
BURBANK: Is there a crowd around you? Does this happen a lot in the Garden City Public Library?
WITT: (Laughter) This is the first time that I'm aware of. It may be the last. But it is the first.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: We'll see how it goes. Say hello to a feature writer for the style section of the Washington Post, Roxanne Roberts.
ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hello, Carrie.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: And finally, an author and a humorist who puts the man in the Mann Center. It's Tom Bodett.
(APPLAUSE)
TOM BODETT: (Laughter) Hello, Carrie.
WITT: Hi, Tom.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: You're going to play Who's Bill This Time, Carrie. That means Bill Kurtis is going to recreate for you three quotations from the week's news. All you have to do is correctly identify or explain just two of them. You'll win our prize, scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell's voice on your voicemail. You ready to play?
WITT: I am ready.
SAGAL: Here is your first quote.
KURTIS: Once I saw two porcupines making love. It has to be done carefully.
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: That's what we're doing now.
SAGAL: That was Senator Pat Roberts talking about the delicate, dangerous, yet deeply sensual process the GOP is using to pass what?
WITT: The health care act.
SAGAL: The health care bill, yes, indeed.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Very good. You got it right.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: The Republicans failed to pass their health care bill before the July 4 recess, which means that people who blow their fingers off with fireworks next week will still be burdened with health care...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...And won't have the freedom to go through life with the nickname Thumbsy McThumbhands (ph).
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: If you think about it, these Republican senators are heroes. They are doing a massively unpopular thing because they believe it is the right thing to do. Someone has to stand up in the face of public opinion and make sure that old people do not get their medication.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: You know, it's funny. We always ask our politicians, why don't you just stand up and do what's right? Why do you always have your finger in the wind? And they are pushing a bill - they're doing everything they can to push a bill that has 17 percent approval rating. That's courage.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Or it's politically the end of the movie "Thelma And Louise."
(LAUGHTER)
BODETT: Well...
SAGAL: No. I am serious.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Someday they will make a movie about these men called "Letting Private Ryan Die."
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: My favorite thing that happened this week perhaps in regard to health care was that - it was on Wednesday. And the Chicago Cubs went to the White House to say hello to the president, and the press was there. And the president just sort of out of nowhere turned to the cameras and said, on health care we're going to have - I believe the quote was, a big surprise. That's what he said. It's going to be a big surprise. And he didn't say anything else. What is it going to be?
BURBANK: Also, when have the words health care and big surprise been good?
SAGAL: Yeah, I know.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Mr. Burbank, it's the doctor's office. We've got a big surprise.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Very good. Here is your next quote, Carrie.
KURTIS: "Stepsister, Yes; Grandma, No."
SAGAL: That was a headline from The New York Times about who would be allowed into the U.S. under the executive action cleared to take effect by the Supreme Court this week. What are we talking about?
WITT: The travel ban.
SAGAL: Yes, the travel ban.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Huzzah. It's here. Yay.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: The court said the administration can keep people out from the six Muslim countries named in the ban unless those people have a quote, "bona fide connection to someone in the United States." What does bona fide connection mean?
BODETT: It's back to the porcupines.
SAGAL: Yeah, basically.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: But the next day, the one person who still works at the State Department...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...He's very busy - clarified what bona fide means. It means, as you heard from Bill, sister - not grandmother, child but not a nephew. They also say that - this is true - that having a hotel room reservation in America does not count. But knowing this president, I'm sure that depends on your choice of hotel.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Yeah.
ROBERTS: Oh.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: You know what's weird? We were thinking about this. You know who's a foreigner who really doesn't seem to have a measurable, bona fide connection to an American? Melania Trump.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
BURBANK: So the headline from The Times was Grandparents...
SAGAL: It was "Stepsister, Yes; Grandma, no."
BURBANK: Stepsister outranks grandmother?
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
BODETT: So if you...
BURBANK: Welcome to Trump's America.
ROBERTS: Oh, you know what else is off the list? Fiance. I read it. It must be true, right?
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Most of these people are waiting for fiances they met online to come from other countries.
SAGAL: Yeah, exactly.
BURBANK: This is terrible news, Roxanne.
(LAUGHTER)
ROBERTS: Fiances are...
SAGAL: No, it's all right if your fiance is female and really hot. The president will be checking this personally.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: In fact, maybe that's what bona fide means. Like, oh, yes. She gives the president a bona. So...
ROBERTS: Fide.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...Come on in.
BURBANK: Bona - I see what you did.
SAGAL: All right, Carrie. Here is your last quote.
KURTIS: Twenty years of conning the easily mesmerized masses with execrable literary Hogwart-wash (ph), congrats.
SAGAL: That was Piers Morgan with his patented special brand of charm marking the 20th anniversary of what literary phenomenon?
WITT: Hogwarts.
SAGAL: I'll give you a hint.
WITT: Oh, it must be Harry Potter.
SAGAL: It is Harry Potter. Yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: It was 20 years ago this last week that "Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone" was published in the U.K., starting two decades of smug people telling you that in the U.K. it's "Philosopher's Stone."
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: It's amazing because it's been 20 years. So that means an entire generation grew up reading "Harry Potter" as children. And then as teenagers they moved on to the "Twilight" series and then as adults the "Fifty Shades Of Grey" books.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Which means, logically, that the next big book series is going to be about a seemingly normal middle-aged man who one day discovers he gets a discount at Cracker Barrel before 5 p.m.
(LAUGHTER)
BODETT: There's a book between "Fifty Shades Of Grey" and that one. I don't know what it is. But...
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: "Malcolm Smith And The Enlarged Prostate."
(LAUGHTER)
ROBERTS: "Hermione's Desperate Search For A Day Care Center."
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
ROBERTS: Remember when we were innocent and he-who-shall-not-be-named was Voldemort?
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Carrie do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Carrie squeezed out 3-0. So thank you, Carrie.
SAGAL: Well done.
KURTIS: Congratulations.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Thanks, everybody at the library.
(SOUNDBITE OF JOHN WILLIAMS'S "HEDWIG'S THEME") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.