BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I can tell your future. I'm your crystal Bill, Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, filling in for Peter Sagal, Tom Hanks.
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TOM HANKS, HOST:
Thank you, Bill Kurtis. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Thank you everybody, I'm Tom Hanks and it is great to be hosting WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, in for Peter Sagal. Now, you may wonder, Tom, why host this show?
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HANKS: People like my wife and kids, my crack staff of showbiz representatives, anyone with a stake in my career are wondering, what the hell is happening here?
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HANKS: And the answer is really quite simple, folks. When NPR calls in dire straits, in need of a man who is not a hero but plays one in the movies...
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HANKS: ...You gravely mutter, I'm on my way.
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HANKS: Rest easy Terry Gross, Michele Norris, and Kai Ryssdal, I'm here for you.
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HANKS: So I'm on the clock, and I'm ready. But with just one question for you all, this is the Chase Bank Theater in Chicago?
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HANKS: Come on. Oh, my Lord. This is not what I hoped for, folks. This is not at all - the dreams die hard, Bill Kurtis with a K.
KURTIS: It's the end of it - end of it.
HANKS: Yeah - but you, out there, your dreams of playing our games could still come true just give us a call at these numbers, I'd love to say, 1-888-WAIT-WAIT, that's 1-888-924-8924. Now, let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, (laughter) you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
KATIE COSTELLO: (Laughter) Hello.
HANKS: Who are you? What's up?
HANKS: My name's Katie Costello.
HANKS: OK.
COSTELLO: I'm calling from Seattle, Wash.
HANKS: Seattle, Wash., how is Seattle?
COSTELLO: The real nightmare is all the tourists coming to see the "Sleepless In Seattle" house that are always on my front porch.
HANKS: And you blame me?
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COSTELLO: I mean, I do, entirely. Yeah (laughter).
HANKS: I had nothing to do with it.
COSTELLO: (Laughter).
HANKS: Yeah, so - well it's good. Thank you for being here. First, I'm going to introduce you to our panel. First up, the host of "Science Goes To The Movies" on PBS - which is how often, exactly? - and the author of "Approval Junkie," Faith Salie.
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HANKS: Hi, Katie.
COSTELLO: Hi, Faith.
HANKS: Faith Salie. Next, the host of - I don't know - some other public radio variety show - I'm - I - what, it's called "Live Wire" or something? - and of the autobiographical podcast "Too Beautiful To Live," Luke Burbank.
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LUKE BURBANK: Hi, Katie.
COSTELLO: Hi, Luke.
HANKS: And last and fantastically, a comedian performing March 17 at the Taft Theater in Cincinnati, Ohio, comedy legend Paula Poundstone.
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PAULA POUNDSTONE: Hi, Katie...
HANKS: Paula.
COSTELLO: Hello, Paula.
HANKS: All right, so Katie you're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotes that were, in fact, uttered, for the record, this week. Get it right at least twice and you'll win our prize - Carl Kasell's voice on your home answering machine, a device you may have to buy on eBay...
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HANKS: ...To get any real value from this deal. But are you ready? OK? Ready...
COSTELLO: Yeah. Yep. Yes.
HANKS: OK. Hand on your buzzer, now. Here's your...
COSTELLO: All right...
HANKS: Here's your first quote.
KURTIS: I'm very much a germaphobe.
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HANKS: Now, Katie, that was guess who explaining why there's no way he could've done the things claimed in an unsubstantiated report making the rounds.
COSTELLO: (Laughter) I'm going to go with Donald Trump.
HANKS: Hey, you got it.
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HANKS: So quick question for the folks in the audience, did you hear about this?
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HANKS: OK. So on Tuesday, a document went kablooey that suggested our president-elect had colluded with the Russians, had done, quote, "perverted" stuff in a hotel room in Moscow, Russia. Now, this is all of course from an unsubstantiated document, or as NPR has called it in an attempt to keep their government funding, quote, "an unsubstantiatable - unsubstantiated document" that is so, like, unsubstantiated that it barely passes for - I mean, come on. We almost didn't - how about a tote bag? You want a tote bag?
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HANKS: I mean, think of Linda Wertheimer's family, please. The graphic images in the report are, in fact, shocking. But, you know, anyone who has been in Trump's apartments already knows that he loves gold.
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HANKS: Golden chairs, golden bathtubs, golden toilets - panel anything else in the bathroom that could be, you know, golden.
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POUNDSTONE: Golden moist towelettes, maybe?
FAITH SALIE: Do you know who's so happy about the story? Don't you think Anthony Weiner...
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SALIE: ...Just has to be so happy that someone just took it and ran with it. I mean, everything's funny now. Like in the hearings, Pompio (ph)? - Pompeo - he was - one of the white guys who's up for confirmation.
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HANKS: That narrows it down.
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SALIE: Right. He kept saying, I take these leaks seriously.
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SALIE: And it got funnier every time.
HANKS: Yeah, yeah. Katie, here is your next quote, thank God.
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COSTELLO: (Laughter) Oh, man (laughter).
KURTIS: Yes we did.
HANKS: Now, Katie, that was somebody saying goodbye on Tuesday night in Chicago. Who was it?
COSTELLO: President Obama.
HANKS: Yeah, damn straight it was.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)
HANKS: Yeah - hey, you know, look, I've got to tell you - I've got to tell you, look, timing is everything because, not to berate folks, but I was there. I was in the room. I would - because here I am in Chicago, the president is in Chicago. And since I didn't run into him while shopping at Uniqlo by the Water Tower, I was able to wrangle a ticket, a yellow ticket, and a blue wristband, which is a little strange because starting next week all Americans will be sorted according to their wristbands.
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POUNDSTONE: I - what is a little bit awkward is that he said goodbye on Tuesday, and then he did another thing today. And, you know, it's kind of like when you say goodbye to somebody and then you keep bumping into them.
HANKS: Yeah.
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POUNDSTONE: It's awkward. I don't think he should've said goodbye so early in the week.
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HANKS: Well, I get a feeling that he's trying to hang around for as long as possible. And even that night, I - it looked like he was trying to filibuster a little bit. He just kept talking, you know, like if he did for four more years, you know, he'd just keep the job. I mean, because he was running out of steam there at the end. He was, yes, we can. Yeah, we did. Yeah. Yes, we could.
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HANKS: We - yes, we do. Yes, we - we going to can. And yes, we done did. Oh, yes, we didn't.
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HANKS: All right, Katie, here's your last quote. Guess who it's about?
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KURTIS: It's going to have a soft sensuality.
HANKS: Yeah.
COSTELLO: All right.
HANKS: Yeah, that believe it or not, Katie, was someone talking about what big event that is happening just next week?
COSTELLO: The inauguration.
HANKS: God, let's hope so.
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POUNDSTONE: There you go, yeah.
HANKS: Yes, yes. The inauguration is going to have - what is it again, Bill?
KURTIS: Soft sensuality.
HANKS: Easy now.
POUNDSTONE: Yeah, baby.
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HANKS: Down big boy.
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POUNDSTONE: You can just see the pole dancing on the White House columns even as we speak.
HANKS: Yeah. Now, Mark Burnett, who produces "Survivor" and "The Celebrity Apprentice," is helping stage the inauguration and reaching out to a number of celebrities who all declined due to both schedule and self-respect.
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HANKS: Sir Elton John, for instance - oh, and the Miss Celine Dion, who would have been great, don't you think, given her ample experience singing about sinking ships in moments of historic tragedy?
BURBANK: Yeah.
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HANKS: I'm just saying, her heart will go on. Three living former presidents are going to be in attendance - George W. Bush, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton - while most other former presidents wrote back to say they can't make it because they'll be busy rolling over in their graves.
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HANKS: Now, we should be clear, some celebrities have said yeah. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir will be there. And this is true, Trump's team...
POUNDSTONE: I don't think the Mormon Tabernacle Choir is exactly a celebrity.
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POUNDSTONE: You know, when was the last time you bumped into the Mormon Tabernacle Choir...
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HANKS: Well...
SALIE: And wanted a selfie?
POUNDSTONE: Right, at the CVS, and you said, hold on, just a second. Oh, my friends aren't going to believe this.
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HANKS: I'm just going through all the famous choirs in my head. And out of them all, I think that if any choir is, in fact, the celebrity of choirs, I'd have to give it to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Yeah.
POUNDSTONE: But would you recognize them if they're not in the tabernacle?
HANKS: But I - their...
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HANKS: I'm guessing - I was under the impression that they just wore those robes everywhere they went.
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HANKS: But let's - shall we move on? Hey, Bill, how did Katie do?
KURTIS: She's not sleepless in Seattle. She got them all right. Champion...
HANKS: All right.
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HANKS: Congratulations. Thanks for playing. And be good up there in Seattle, would you?
COSTELLO: Thank you so much.
HANKS: All right, take care, Katie...
COSTELLO: You too. Buh-bye
(SOUNDBITE OF JOHN BARRY'S, "SMOKEY JOE") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.