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Who's Bill This Time

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Hey there, daddy. I'm your Billegitimate (ph) child. Bill Kurtis.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: And here is your host at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall in Portland, Ore., Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: I'll be insufferable if you keep that up.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It is great to be back in Portland, Ore., the city that went from being a lumberjack town to a hipster haven without anybody having to buy new clothes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This week, of course, astoundingly enough the U.K. voted to leave the European Union. Britain has Brexited, which means one thing - there's an opening in the EU.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: We can get out of here. If Trump wins, we can Trexit (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: If it's Clinton, we'll Clexit (ph). And we've got to hope for, you know, Sanders, the dark horse, because if he wins, we all get to sexit.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: First though (laughter), we want to play our games as the world unravels. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

MICHAEL: Hi, this is Michael (ph) from Olympia, Wash.

SAGAL: Hey, Michael. How are you?

MICHAEL: I'm great, yourself?

SAGAL: Not too bad. Olympia, just up the coast, up I-5, a beautiful town. I know it well. What do you do there?

MICHAEL: I'm in the army at Fort Lewis, actually.

SAGAL: Oh really?

(APPLAUSE)

MICHAEL: Thank you.

SAGAL: What do you do for the Army?

MICHAEL: I'm a civil affairs officer, actually.

SAGAL: What does that mean, civil affairs?

MICHAEL: That is a military to military and military to foreign government liaison and infrastructure development is the best way to say it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You're a spy, aren't you?

(LAUGHTER)

MICHAEL: No. Unfortunately, I'm a little too covert to be a spy.

SAGAL: All right, well, welcome to our show, Michael. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a comedian whose movie "Jimmy Vestvood: American Hero" is now in a one-week run at the Roxie Theater in San Francisco. It's Maz Jobrani.

MAZ JOBRANI: Hey man.

(APPLAUSE)

JOBRANI: How you doing?

MICHAEL: Hi Maz.

SAGAL: Next, a feature writer for the Style section of The Washington Post. It's Roxanne Roberts.

(APPLAUSE)

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hello.

MICHAEL: Hey Roxanne.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And a comedian, actor and director whose documentary "Call Me Lucky" is on Netflix now, Bobcat Goldthwait.

(APPLAUSE)

BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Whoa.

SAGAL: Michael, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize - scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell's voice on your home voicemail. Are you ready to play?

MICHAEL: Let's do it.

SAGAL: Absolutely. Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: "I'm tired. I need a shower. I need a beer."

SAGAL: That was Representative Michael Capuano of Massachusetts talking about how he felt after the great unprecedented Democratic what?

MICHAEL: The sit-in in the House of Representatives.

SAGAL: The sit-in, yes, in the House of Representatives.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: After years of frustration in the House minority, the Democrats finally found the courage to take that most American of actions - sitting down and doing nothing.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It was such an exciting thing. It was this - it was a spontaneous protest on the floor of Congress. For the first time in history, people were saying honey, do we get this C-Span station?

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Is that a C-SPAN-ish (ph) channel?

SAGAL: Yeah, I don't know.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: It's a C-SPAN-ish...

SAGAL: This is what happened - the Republicans, who are, of course, the majority - they control the House - they turned off the cameras. So Democrats had to stream it live themselves with their phones. So this great moment of the democratic process looked like FaceTiming with your parents, but with even more yelling.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: I watched it until the streaming ran out 'cause the congressman's like do you have a cord?

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: Do you have a cord?

SAGAL: Did you see they had this wonderful picnic, they had all this food? Secretary - Senator Warren brought in Dunkin' Donuts from her home state of Massachusetts. After - it was very nice. And then after the donuts, everybody was looking at the Colorado delegation, but they didn't come through, you know?

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: I think the Carlyle company couldn't have been too happy about that kind of endorsement.

They own the Dunkin' Donuts. They...

JOBRANI: Oh really?

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, they also make guns. I know I was in "Police Academy..."

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: I know you probably can't imagine that I would know that...

JOBRANI: Wait...

GOLDTHWAIT: ...I know.

JOBRANI: Wait, wait, wait...

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Wait, wait - The Carlyle Group owns Dunkin' Donuts...

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah.

JOBRANI: ...And guns?

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah.

JOBRANI: That is crazy.

SAGAL: Wow.

GOLDTHWAIT: That's your one-stop shop for most Republicans.

JOBRANI: Maybe that's...

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: I wonder if that's how they make the holes in the donuts.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

GOLDTHWAIT: Man, I hope that was raspberry jelly.

SAGAL: So...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So they manufacture guns and donuts.

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah.

SAGAL: They're trying to kill us any way they can.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: They're in it for the long game.

SAGAL: Yeah. Michael, you're next quote is from a person who is actually running for president.

KURTIS: "Leaving now for a one-night trip to Scotland to be at the grand opening of my great resort."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Who this week took a break from the campaign to head over to Scotland?

MICHAEL: I would have to guess Donald Trump?

SAGAL: Yes indeed, Donald...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Trump.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: On Monday, Donald Trump fired his campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. It was a tough decision. On the one hand, Lewandowski had the skill to make Donald Trump the Republican nominee. On the other hand, he had the poor judgment and recklessness to make Donald Trump the Republican nominee.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So this is the guy this is amazing - this is a guy who, among other things, continuously attacked the press. He even once was charged with assault after he manhandled a reporter. So naturally right after Trump fired him, CNN hired him as an analyst. That's true. The next day, Wolf Blitzer showed up to the situation room with two black eyes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Something else that really did happen this week - some depositions from the Trump University lawsuit were released, Trump's own deposition. And in it, the lawyer who is deposing him for the plaintiffs in the case got really frustrated with Trump's refusal to admit he remembered any details of anything they were talking about. And he said - she said Mr. Trump, don't - didn't you once say that you had the greatest memory in the world?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And he said really? I don't remember saying that.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Absolutely true.

JOBRANI: I wish Scotland would have built a wall to keep him in.

SAGAL: Yeah, well...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Michael, we've got one more quote for you.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: He's still there.

SAGAL: Michael, here is your last quote.

KURTIS: "Zika, doping, sewage, corruption and more."

SAGAL: That was a writer in The Chicago Tribune talking about the many attractions of what big event coming up in August?

MICHAEL: The Olympics in Brazil.

SAGAL: Yes, the Rio Olympics.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: It's going to be great.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The governor of Rio de Janeiro has declared a, quote, "state of calamity." That is a real thing. It's basically a state of emergency but with rootin'-tootin' lady gunslingers.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Basically, Rio is broke. The streets are filled with garbage. Infrastructure is crumbling, and they cannot guarantee anybody's safety. We Chicagoans are so proud we lost the bid for the 2016 games, but we were able to accomplish all that anyway.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Many athletes are now saying they won't go - and also a golfer.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Rory McIlroy says he will not go.

ROBERTS: That's wrong.

SAGAL: Oh.

ROBERTS: That's wrong.

JOBRANI: Well, if there's any athlete who shouldn't go, it's the golfer because he's going to be standing still the whole time.

SAGAL: That's true.

JOBRANI: He's a target for those mosquitos...

SAGAL: Mosquitos, yeah, I know.

JOBRANI: ...Yeah.

SAGAL: Other athletes are trying to see if they can join the Russian team so they can be banned.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: You know, it's a good year to go to Brazil because they may need you on the team, you know...

SAGAL: That's true.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: You know, I may just show up with a pole vault, just hanging out.

SAGAL: Yeah.

JOBRANI: Anybody?

SAGAL: Yeah.

JOBRANI: Anybody?

SAGAL: Bill, how did Michael do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Michael's perfect, got every one...

SAGAL: Congratulations.

(APPLAUSE)

MICHAEL: Thank you very much, Peter. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.