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Who's Bill This Time

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm the newest member of The Avengers - Anchorman, Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Thank you everybody.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: We have got such a great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to Ben Collins. He's a racecar driver, a Hollywood stunt driver. He's a driver for the British show "Top Gear," all of which makes him either the most terrifying or most exciting Uber driver ever.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Meanwhile, we're waiting for you to come pick us up. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-800-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-800-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

TIROSH SCHNEIDER: Hi, this is Tirosh Schneider from Madison, N.J.

SAGAL: Madison, N.J.? Not far from where I grew up. What do you do there?

SCHNEIDER: I'm an actor with Shakespeare Live!, which is the educational touring wing of the Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey.

SAGAL: That's exciting. So you get to do Shakespeare for kids.

SCHNEIDER: Yes, yeah, for little kids and big kids.

SAGAL: Do they like the comedies or the ones where people get killed?

SCHNEIDER: They often clap when Juliet stabs herself, so...

(LAUGHTER)

SCHNEIDER: ...That's a popular one.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Do they really?

SCHNEIDER: Yeah, unfortunately.

SAGAL: Those are either terrible kids or a terrible Juliet.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Tirosh, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, it's a contributor to "CBS Sunday Morning" whose new book "Approval Junkie" has just been published by Crown Archetype. It's Faith Salie.

FAITH SALIE: Hi Tirosh.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Next, it's a writer for HBO's "Real Time With Bill Maher," Adam Felber.

ADAM FELBER: Tirosh, what's up?

SAGAL: Finally, it's a comedian who will be performing at the Chautaqua Auditorium in Boulder, Colo., on June 11, Paula Poundstone.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Tirosh, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you will win our prize - scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell will lend his voice - well, frankly, he'll give it to you - for your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

SCHNEIDER: Absolutely.

SAGAL: All right, here is your first quote.

KURTIS: "I'm not stupid, OK? Just the opposite.

SAGAL: That was a leading candidate for president...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Giving us a little hint as to what he actually considers himself to be this week. Who was it?

SCHNEIDER: "Donald Drumpf."

SAGAL: Donald Trump.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: Atta boy.

SAGAL: This week in Trump began with The New York Times article detailing Mr. Trump's complicated relationships with women over the years. In response, his wife and daughter both rose to his defense. Melania said that people are wrong. He's not Hitler.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That will be a great general election ad. Donald Trump - his own wife is reasonably sure he's not history's greatest monster. And his own daughter - his own daughter after this article in The Times came out said no, quote, "he's not a groper," unquote.

FELBER: Oh, that creeps me out as much as him appraising her body.

SAGAL: Yeah, I know, it's...

FELBER: It's sort of like how would you know? No, no, he's very...

SALIE: His hands are so small, you can't tell.

SAGAL: It's true.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Is that a fly?

FELBER: He might've groped me.

SALIE: So this is going to be his selling point, right?

SAGAL: Yes.

SALIE: I'm not stupid. I'm not Hitler and I'm not a groper.

SAGAL: Sounds great, let's put him in the White House.

FELBER: Yeah...

SAGAL: This...

FELBER: ...Although he could lose in the general election to stupid gropey Hitler.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Can I - can I just point out that you started this by calling this segment this week in Trump?

SAGAL: It's gotten to be that way.

SALIE: Right, but that's a great acronym. It spells Twit.

FELBER: Oh wow.

SALIE: I like it.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Don't you think that somewhere in a bar, Howard Dean and Mike Dukakis...

FELBER: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: ...Just watch all this and drink? Howard Dean says, I said woo.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Right. And Mike Dukakis is like I rode a tank.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

SAGAL: I had a helmet on.

FELBER: I put on a helmet. So I don't look good in helmets.

SAGAL: And he can't be president.

POUNDSTONE: I had an ill-fitting helmet, yeah. Yeah.

SAGAL: But this guy...

FELBER: An ill-fitting helmet...

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

FELBER: ...For a presidential campaign.

POUNDSTONE: It just seems so sad that, you know, others have fallen for these just ridiculously small things. And this guy just nothing. I mean, he said it himself which is he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue but still get elected. And you know what? I think that's probably true.

SAGAL: I think he's planning that for night three of the Republican Convention.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your next quote.

KURTIS: "Burn it down."

SAGAL: That's the slogan of a movement that says they will support who or bust?

SCHNEIDER: Bernie Sanders.

SAGAL: Yes Bernie Sanders.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: At the Nevada Democratic Party Convention, angry Bernie Sanders supporters rioted. They threw chairs; they got into fistfights. They were upset because they felt that the process wasn't fair to Bernie. But also because the caterer had run out of kombucha.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But this is kind of inspiring. We thought only Trump supporters were getting into fights at their rallies, but it's on both sides of the aisle. We're not all that different. We're all jerks.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: As Obama once said, there are no red states and blue states. We're a bunch of drunk yahoos in a purple mosh pit.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Purple - the color of bruising.

SAGAL: Exactly. It is hard to tell sometimes a liberal riot from a conservative riot. Liberal riots after they break a window the rioters collect the glass to recycle.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And when the police come, instead of using tear gas on liberal rioters, they just play Joni Mitchell's "Blue" album over the PA and everybody gets teary.

FELBER: It's coming on Christmas.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, that would quell me.

SAGAL: Would quell you - you'd be quelled?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Hillary is getting very frustrated with Bernie. As she said on CNN, I'm going to be the nominee. That's just what's going to happen. No more of this well, we'll see what happens. I'm going to be the nominee.

SALIE: I love that. That's like I'm your mother, that's why.

SAGAL: Yes, exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But Bernie's not getting the message.

FELBER: Which is coincidentally her campaign slogan.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Here is your last quote.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: "I'm flying out of O'Hare in four days, so I should probably get in line now, right?

SAGAL: That was somebody named Olivia tweeting about what government agency having a big problem with lines this week. Who?

SCHNEIDER: The TSA.

SAGAL: The TSA, yes...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...The airport guys. As more people started to travel this spring, the lines at the airports have gotten incredibly long. For many travelers, they get to the airport, they find the lines snaking all the way out the building. So they start walking to find the end of the line, and they end up back at their own house.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This isn't a crisis for travelers. This is an amazing opportunity for beer vendors.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Did you know that airlines are trying to help airports - are - actually?

FELBER: How?

POUNDSTONE: What do you mean, trying to help?

SAGAL: Well, for example, 'cause people are just getting in line and they're very, very frustrated.

FELBER: I was on a very long my today...

SAGAL: There you are.

FELBER: ...To come here. You people are worth it though.

SAGAL: Yeah. An airport in Kentucky brought in miniature horses.

POUNDSTONE: What?

SAGAL: So people could pet them or in desperation saddle them up and try to ride to their destination.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: They brought in miniature horses?

SAGAL: They did.

SALIE: What about when the horses have to go to the bathroom?

FELBER: They didn't think of that. I don't know.

SAGAL: The San Diego Airport - this is true - they brought in clowns to entertain waiting passengers.

POUNDSTONE: Oh...

FELBER: As though it couldn't get worse.

SAGAL: Oh, it's amazing. So great, now you miss your flight. Now you have to sleep in the terminal, and you can have nightmares about clowns.

FELBER: Right.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: I would imagine that quite a few people were throttled with balloon animals that day.

SAGAL: It's true. One politician suggested the TSA let Disney take over - you know, with Disney World, they know how to manage long lines.

SALIE: Yeah.

SAGAL: The TSA - that's not Space Mountain, you know? You know after five minutes, Mickey Mouse himself would be like (imitating Mickey Mouse) golly gee, I'm going to kill somebody.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: (Imitating Mickey Mouse) No, I'll touch your pockets. I'll touch your pockets. (Unintelligible) your damn pockets.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: (Imitating Mickey Mouse) They're suspenders. They have buttons.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Minnie gets back in line repeatedly. She loves the pat-down.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Tirosh do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Well, Tirosh, the whole world's a stage, and now you own it. You got three right.

FELBER: Yay.

SAGAL: Congratulations. Well done.

SCHNEIDER: Thank you so much.

SAGAL: Thank you, Tirosh.

SCHNEIDER: Thanks Peter.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

SCHNEIDER: Bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF BOB MARLEY SONG, "WAITING IN VAIN") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.